Talk all the talk with a poet’s style, tongue like electric, eyes like a child.

She said she was broken. That she feels so lost, like she is not herself at all anymore. I can see it in your eyes. That way you smile but your pupils don't dance, how your lips curve but your brow is still creased. I can see it. You walk with intensity, like you have somewhere to be, but I think it is also because you are running. Running from a life of silence and dark and solarity and being completely alone inside your own head. We are all here still, you know. Even though you cannot see us. We will catch you if you fall off that tightrope, that railroad track. I swear; cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle straight through my eye. Don't you dare think you are alone.

My legs are restless right now. In fact, my entire body is restless, especially my mind. It is going around in circles all by itself. Tonight was by far one of the best nights of my life. Once again, I am going to have to stitch my lips shut up tight, but; it was different, but somehow more beautiful than I had expected. Somehow.

Yesterday was fabulous. Easter Sunday, and later I found out, my half birthday. I am now officially sixteen and a half. Anyways, despite the fact that my family is not terribly devoted to any particular religion, we did feel the need to do something lovely for the day. We chose adventure over ceremony, naturally. We walked along the sea's shore for a few hours, me snapping hundreds of misted nostalgic pictures of the ocean and the shells and the waves, and the breaking. There was also a pirate ship in the bay, a real live pirate ship. I couldn't help but think of Captain Jack when I waved to the many normal tourists being whisked out into the open sea while they idled safely on deck. Needless to say I got plenty pictures of that; they are actually really amazing, if that doesn't sound vain. Of course it is not my photography but the pirate ship that makes them so great. But still.
I also managed to pick up the biggest piece of sea glass I have ever seen; it is cloudy coloured, the size of my palm. Among the various other shells and pebbles I collected there was also the tiniest sand dollar. My mission was fulfilled when I stumbled upon it. You should have seen my grin. Victory! There was also a rainbow ring around the sun, which was beautiful and strange, and the little boy who shyly allowed me to take a picture of his kite, while hiding away an adorable little smile behind his coat sleeves. He made my day. Then lunch at a fabulous cafe, a run-in with a boy I used to know, a windy, chatty drive through the woods, then home, where I spent the evening watching old silly movies and eating peanut butter and chocolate. Overall, a day well spent.

I go back to school tomorrow. It is supposed to rain into this week, and I am not entirely sure how I feel about it. I do love the rain when I am warm and safe inside, but it does tend to complicate things when walking seems to be the primary mode of transportation I am left with. Either way, it is really beautiful. I suppose either way, there is that. And prom is next week. Suprisingly, I think I am actually kind of excited. Getting all dressed up, wearing my ridiculous high heels that look like shards of a disco ball, and generally just feeling silly in a dress and so much makeup. But I will be with a bunch of people that I love, and that crazy wonderful boy and his purple tuxedo, which I cannot wait to see. It should be a fun night, among the fish and the jade coloured water.

Good Night,

xx
{emma}

Baby there's a shark in the water.

So much has happened...I don't even know where to begin.

Today I got a job. I am now employed at this tiny video store in town, posters pasted all over and old movies shown constantly; I am so excited. It is truly my dream job, I cannot get over it. I am going to have so much fun, conversing with hippies and elderly couples about old or strange movies that I know of. I also got my SAT scores, and I did not do so badly; 1900.

Last Sunday was perfect. I mean, more than perfect, more than normal. More than ever. I am so lucky, luckier than I can even say. Unfortunately I cannot explain this code, this riddle. Because if I did, then I would be revealing a deep part of me that I do not wish to be discovered and splayed about, heard by so many strangers' ears. But just know that he made me happier than ever.

The rain came a few days ago, pounding at the glass like little diamond fingertips running down the casements and messing my hair until I looked as if I had been suddenly possessed by the urge to throw myself into a lake headfirst. But sitting inside warm, watching it come down in sheets, that is so beautiful to me. I remember when I was little and someone told me that every time it rained, that meant that angels were crying. It made me so sad to think of that, and it made me desperately wonder what could be so heartbreaking that it would make even angels sob. Even so many years later, I still think about that when the rain comes down. For some reason, the image stays in my mind in a sort of familiar, soft way; perhaps I still believe in the tears of angels after all.

Otherwise, today was just a generally wonderful day. Despite the grey, flint coloured skies that ceased to either break and let in sunlight or cloud over and offer angel tears, simply moving across the vast white above. I got a job, my first, I got my SAT scores, which were not entirely disappointing. Lunch was actually quite fabulous as well; examinations of palms and life lines and that wonderful boy and his strange singing, and the smile that makes me smile. I am so happy. Also, receiving compliments from the extraordinarily chipper man at the grocery store, who never fails to light my day up a bit, having a lovely conversation with a little girl that is far more comfortable with conversations than I, laughing over walking into inanimate objects and a hug from singing teacher, and a spontaneous, though fleeting visit from a good friend. All in all, I would say it was just a fabulous day, and not over yet; I still have to eat cereal. Trust me, it is not just any kind of cereal, but the kind made in heaven.

I hope your day was as smile-worthy as mine.
Happy Thursday,

xx
{emma}

I could fight a war like a veteran, give you a little more like a gentleman.

The past two days have just been really wonderful.

Yesterday was a concert that made us all deaf, bandana shopping, roaming a used clothing store, making fun of things as we went along, walking through child made tunnels at the park, a spontaneous trip to the coast, wind that stung and sand that pasted itself to my skin and my lips. Then food and sitting on the floor in a dark warm house, soaking in the stars and the mad man piano playing and the globe destinations and the dishwashing and broken glass, laughing until my cheeks were numb. By the end we were all so tired. But it was so worth it.

Then today, up before the sun, a quick breakfast of toast and then off to the DMV, where I finally got my liscense {Yes!}. Then lunch in a cafe with two lovely boys who make me smile, and then a walk through the forest on a path unknown to most of the world. I felt like we were in the middle of nowhere, when really, civilization was only a few miles away. But it was so peaceful, sitting next to the waterfall and looking up at the sunlight shafting in through the trees. Finally, home, where my brother and I ate too many chocolate mints, talked about Zombieland and did his math homework.
Then tomorrow, I have a fabulous all-nighter with two of my closest friends, where no doubt, sugar highs will be maintained and delirium will set in during the early hours of the morning. I do love this absurd tradition we have created.

This break has not let me down so far, to say the least. And I love being a teenager.
Until later, loves, and thank you for wasting time in order to get to the bottom of this rambling post full of nothing, it means worlds to me.

xx
{emma}

I'm not bulletproof anymore.

I could have seen him. He was there, I know he was, in that room, with that smile, those eyes. I could have told him. He could have seen me, my eyes never wavering from his face, from his everything. I could have told him how that day, when I thought that boy was him, how my heart literally skipped, how my chest felt like it was going to explode for just that millisecond. Until my brain caught up with my eyes. I would have told him how I run through that vision in my head over and over again late at night, those words and that feeling, until I cannot sleep, until my thoughts are only of it, and how it has become the song stuck in my head. How he has become my song. I would have told him how ever since that dream, I can't get him out of my mind, how he has become my secret. I would have, I swear.

I sang with Tiger Paw today. It was amazing, and so strange how I am transformed by a steady beat, a constant. My words take form, my rhythms become like a heartbeat. The shower of compliments remedied my confidence as well; it was an hour well spent. I desperately need to find someone to play with, to make music with, soon.

Last weekend was a beach adventure, one of the most amazing weekends of this year, I think. Sun streaks, icey blue, lovely friends, veggie sandwiches, sandcastles, summer music, and then, that terrifying car accident on the way home, that truthfully was hardly a crash at all. We were all alright, and honestly, it made for a good story in the end. Then Chinese food, a silly movie, and sleepy eyelids that shut so early for teenagers. I adore the beach and how the air fills my lungs and doesn't seem weighted, but almost like helium in its lightness and clarity. It's so beautiful there.

My mind has been preocupied of late, and I am not sure what to do. Can't think, wish I could. My thoughts are already full of something else.
Later, loves.

xx
{emma}

I get shy in these lights, I feel my pulse working overtime.

I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean; something you could point to and know what it is. I think that's why she always struggled with God and I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold onto it and make sure it never changed, but sometimes it's those things you can't touch that you need to hold onto the most.

The cold is back. I suppose it's time, but I was so happy bathing in the sun and warm the past few weeks. I suppose I will just have to wait until summer.

Last weekend was my dad's birthday. We all spent the day lazing around with the windows open and the breeze floating through the air, picking up our scents and twirling around our hair. I also went to the nursery and snapped pictures of pretty flowers and neon petals. I picked up a bright gold and chestnut streaked pansy called Tiger Eyes. It lights up my room, makes me happy. I also managed to successfully make a lemon cheesecake, which was amazing, if I can say.
The next day I spent a few hours wandering the town in the cold with one of my favorite people in the universe. The best way to spend a Sunday.

And today, I had my last driving class. According to my driving instructor, I should have no trouble passing the test. Fingers crossed.
Otherwise, I have been having the strangest, most vivid dreams, so nostalgic. I feel as if I do not sleep, they are so real. And the dream last night...passionate scandal while waiting for the world to burn outside our door. I woke up this morning with that carrying through my day, and I am not sure why.

Enjoy the cold, and the clouds. They are so pretty and vast, cool and grey. And Happy Leap Year <3

xx
{emma}

Eye of the storm.

My heart is beating, hoping that kiss won't become a scar.

It is the last day of my break. The last day of momentary freedom, ebbing away so quickly and fleeting. It has been well spent, although far too short. I spent a day with my favorite boy, eating amazing food, playing music, attempting to give singing lessons, wandering parking lots at night, going ice cream window shopping, falling asleep, and feeling so sophisticated, intoxicated. It was a beautiful night.
I also passed a day spent with two of my closest friends, sending me back to eighth grade and how close we were. I miss them and how well we fit; it makes me feel a bit melancholic that we have fallen away a bit over time, but I still feel like we hold the power to revive it.
My mum and I spent several days wandered pretty clothing stores, picking up some beautiful things along the way. I broke my frugality pledge to myself, but it never seems to last long anyway. I collected a knotted, beachy pullover, tortoiseshell wayfarers, a bag of fringe, and a lacey corset. I cannot wait for summer; all the pretty clothes make me ache for it.
And today I am watching geek worthy space movies, doing Spanish homework, sitting warm and rosey by the fire, trying to savor the sweet of home and carefree.

Happy belated Valentines, by the way; I hope yours was as perfect as mine.

xx
{emma}

I bleed glitter.

How has it been so very long since I have written on here? This private diary, yet so public if one knows where to look.

My life, to be entirely honest, has been like a roller coaster in the past few weeks, for no real reason. At least, not an obvious one. I have just felt so delicate, fragile; like a spider web or lace, or glass. Like I can so easily be shattered. I am not even sure what is bothering me, all I know is that I am bothered, and not sure how to escape my own mind. I think something is shifting in my perspective. I feel young, small, different, confined. Hopefully I will sort it all out soon, and my thoughts will come without worry or anguish.

The rain came last night, hammering gently on the roof. I fell asleep to the sound of rainy footsteps, lulling my eyes softly shut. Out my open window I could smell it; I love that smell, like an ache, or a quiet, secret laugh or something exhilarating, exulting. It makes me want to close my eyes and fall asleep with the scent dancing around my face and the patter wandering through my ears.
In other news, I found a few beautiful items of clothing recently, which made me quite happy. A slip of rainbow pastel sequins, and a lipstick pink romper with flowers that makes me ache for summer. The romper I have been wearing around the house with slouchy sweaters and tall socks, just because I cannot wait to put it on. But the other one...I just need a fantastic party to dress up for. And I got Keds!

I will be better next time, hopefully, more put together and less bittersweet, I promise.
Enjoy the rainstorms and the cool.

xx
{emma}