Rosey.

 

 

 

 

I have been so inspired lately. Inspired to do what, exactly, I cannot say. But this time of year, the air crisp and leaves splashing vermilion and saffron and ruby-red in front of my eyes; it does something magical. The rain is supposed to come tonight; I think I will try to stay up until it does, because there is nothing more beautiful than the sound of the rain.

My mum bought me an orchid today, a firey bright fuchia, and placed it arching swan-like on my windowsill. It made my day when I waltzed through the doorway of my room and saw it shining in the gentle sunlight. It is holding its own quite nicely among my collection of cactuses and succulents.

Things are looking up, thankfully. I am no longer terrified that this all will end. Not as much, at least. Because when we step out of the car late at night and he holds me in his arms and kisses me in the rain, when we talk about the adventures we will have spending our lives together, when we lie in bed and watch silly movies and giggle about nothing and talk ourselves out to sea, finally coming back to the beginning with cheeks painful from laughter, I have faith. This is something far more powerful than I can explain. And I know it is strong enough to last through any storm.

I am happy.

Love,
{Emma}

It's never rained like it has tonight, before.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't even think about him leaving me behind without bursting into tears. It's my birthday today; it's not supposed to be like this. He is beyond perfection; he is the stars and fireworks and every fragment of happiness I have ever felt combined into one being that has become the reason my heart beats. I can't live without him. Yet he talks as if I may have to soon, and my heart has already started to fracture.

I can't let that happen. I refuse. I have been in love with you for four years, since the moment I laid eyes on you, and I won't ever let you go. Not after I waited so long to finally have you.
We won't find each other, because we will never part. I will follow you to the ends of the earth darling, because you are worth more than any fight I have ever had to wage.

I will not drown just yet, my love.

And it was sad news, I was not magnificent.

 

So this is it. The beginning of the end. Senior year.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm a little excited to be done with high school and on to something new, but I think most of me just wants to grab on to what I have now and hold so tight and never ever let go.
I can't bear the thought of him leaving, going off to some beautiful beach and having the time of his life everyday, without me. I can't even think about it most of the time. But when I do it's like my heart just anticipates breaking.
Everything is so fragile now; I am so fragile. There's so many moments of the day where I feel invisible, or like I am not trying hard enough, so many moments where I feel like what I have in front of me is fleeting, like somehow it could all go away with the snap of a few fingers. And that is terrifying.
Life has been really sort of off, for me lately. I feel a bit lost, like I have lost my place in the scheme of things. Like I have lost people that I care about, so much, and I know I have, truthfully. But it's just so hard to let go sometimes, especially to let go of someone that you thought would be your sidekick for eternity. But I haven't given up entirely, not yet.
It's strange, because just a few months ago, I thought I had it figured out. But now, I just feel so young, so breakable. I feel like a tiny child, like when I was four years old and still scared of so much. It's funny how things can spin so polar on you.
And now my little brother, my baby brother, is in high school with me, and I love that. But also, it makes me sad because he's not so baby anymore. But it's so fun to see him smiling there in those echoing halls, just to see him so grown up and so young at the same time. I couldn't have asked for a better big little brother, to protect me and act like the older sibling most of the time. I have to cherish this year, because it will go so fast.
And I have this amazing fell-out-of-the-sky boy that is perfect, that will do anything to make me smile, make me laugh, that is always there with me even when I act like I can hold myself up. He lights up my eyes.

So there it is. A step into my mind. I can't even really make sense of it, so good luck to you.

Goodnight,
xx
{emma}

Wild, honey.

I have news. So, it seems as if I may be going to India; it looks quite possible in fact. My boyfriend and his family invited me along, as well as his close friend. I cannot tell you how ecstatic, overwhelmed, hysterical, anxious, uncomprehending, full-of-disbelief-about-to-explode I am. I have been trying not to let myself get excited, get my hopes up, but he is not helping; he now has me nearly convinced that in a number of months, I will be on a plane with him, his family, and our other friend, flying halfway around the globe to the place of my dreams.
It's really very hard to imagine.
If I could go to one place in the world, I would go there, India. It's such a system shock, such a polar opposite culture, I can't even anticipate. The people, the architecture, the food, the landscapes, the lifestyles, the street markets, the colors. They are all present in my dreams, and now nearly every other thought I have is somehow correlating to that place. That place that I might very well be in a few months. Fingers crossed.

So I had to tell someone. Or rather, put it down on a light screen and let my fingers fly across the dash, typing out the words I wish I could spill to someone. To everyone. But I have been working so much recently, the only people I really see are the two boys that would be on that plane with me. So, here I am.

Be back soon, loves.
xx
{emma}

Photos courtesy of JarvieDigital.com

Grand.

I am back. It's strange how much you forget about yourself and the things you thought you had memorized, had eternalized and forever burned into your retinas. I never thought it would be so easy. It made me sad.

The past ten days were insane. I traveled through six different states, met new people, re-met past people, listened to countless cd's, and fell in love with the world all over again.
The first night was Las Vegas, which honestly, sort of broke my heart. Underneath all of the lights and faux glamour there's a desperation and hopelessness, the city of sin. I don't think I would mind if I never returned. The next day few days it was the Grand Canyon, which was so breathtaking and heartstopping and incredible and unfathomable it hurt to look at. It's still hard to believe that our earth created that on it's own, something so vast and powerful and grand.
After a few days at the Grand Canyon, we drove to Durango, Colorado; I fell in love. I may have to live there at some point in my life. The land and the aspen and the colours and the water, it was so intensely beautiful it's hard to describe. We went river rafting and dry-sledding that first day, and that was exhilarating. A few of our extended family members, those who we have not seen for over ten years joined us there and that was amazing in itself. I miss them now. The next day we went to Mesa Verde, which was bloody hot, over one hundred and five degrees, but still it was worth it. Hundreds of years ago, small populations of natives built a city that still stands now, unchanged. Incredible. It was melancholic to leave that place, but I know that I will be there again at some point; I cannot go my entire life without seeing those hills and waters and trees once more.
The last place we went was Zion in Utah. Nearly every place we went this trip was beautiful, and this place was no exception. The rock, so red and proud and uncaring and massive. It was a bit hard to take in. We went on various hikes, waded through rivers, swam, took naps in the stifling heat. They were good last days.
Then, yesterday, we drove home, over fifteen hours and through five states to our little tiny hometown in gorgeous California. I didn't realize how much I had missed the clouds and the fog until I realized I was cold, and not blazing hot like I had been for the past ten days. We took an insane two hour detour to buy illegal fireworks, which was an adventure in itself, went through Death Valley, drove through nowhere, and finally, finally made it home.
It's so good to be back. My bed is so warm, my house so lovely, my cat so soft and aloof. It was an amazing trip, for sure, and I have over one thousand pictures to show for it, but I do love coming home. And I can't wait to see and hear all that I have missed.

Love,
xx
{emma}

Saying nothing, that's enough for me.

Whirlwind.

I feel like my life is on fast-forward. It's like I can't even remember the last time I took a deep breath in, really deep, and just shut my eyes. Breathed.
It's summertime. I still can't even believe it, really, that we are done with our third year of high school, that we are seniors. How did that even happen? So fast, the time just slipped away from us while we turned our backs for one tiny, infinite second.
So much has happened since I last wrote, I am not even sure where to begin. School ended sort of anti-climatically, to be honest; I guess I was just so tired. I got a new job, working at a little ice-cream shop in town. I'm excited about it, and everyone is really great there, but I will miss my little video store like a memory that doesn't last nearly long enough; but I actually see it as something that is not over, undone. I think I will probably work there again someday, hopefully at least.

My summer, so far, has been rather different than I expected, but actually in a really good way. I have spent nearly the past week with that wonderful, crazy amazing boy that lights up my eyes. He makes me so happy. And then the past two days, with another boy as well, that I am just getting to really know, and we three fit so well together. We have had adventures in the last 72 hours; going to a party at 11:00 at night, the car running out of battery at 4:30 AM just as we want to leave and go home and shut out eyelids tightly, pushing the car down the longest driveway, making plans to walk the four miles home in the dark, then feeling so elated and on top of the entire world when it actually finally started. Then getting home at 5:00 in the morning, watching the sunrise from the bedroom window, going out to breakfast, taking silly pictures in the restaurant reflection. He had to rush off to work, so the other he and I walked under the fiery sun to the school and sat on the steps in the shade and talked for hours, literally, about everything. Everything. Then school rooftop excursions, bike rack adventures, and then the bikeride to watch the sunset. And then, as the sky got black, riding to the cemetery and sitting on the bench, the three of us, looking at the stars, with the owls and the bats flying softly above us. Two days, and already we have had adventures. I love that.

Otherwise, I go to the Grand Canyon in a matter of days; I am so breathlessly excited. I am going to take so many pictures, capture it all. I can't wait! And my family; I love our roadtrips more than anything.

But this is a strange string of words, I admit. My thoughts are jagged and rumpled and it is late, and my eyelids are at war with my will. It's just that so much has happened, and truthfully, I can't even begin to write it all down. But I will, because I am so afraid I will lose it all, and that is terrifying in itself.
Anyway, thank you to those who actually read all of this, I promise I will be a bit more coherent next time.

Goodnight,
xx
{emma}

Spark.

Dear You:

Today is your birthday.

Do you know how I know that? I know because ever since that first day of third grade, when I was the new girl, shy and quiet and peeking out from under my bangs and holding my tiny, pieced together smile, you were there. You were my best friend, you know, the one. For years and years. Remember that? That first day we met, and your father laughed and said that finally, there was another redhead to join you. I remember, because that day was the day I officially met you and we started that friendship. It's crazy, looking back on it all, how well you knew me. I suppose now, if we were to meet again, you would feel as if you no longer know me at all.

But just remember all of those memories we have; how we would sing along to that song over and over again and when the swear words came along, we just yelled until they passed to protect my little brother's ears. How we both loved reading and writing more than anything, how we started our own band that we were sure would make us famous. How we would talk for hours about books and silly movies and how we would run through scenes of our favorites over and over out loud until we had them memorized. How the two of us would play store and always complain, and would set up that old cash register in your room and let your little sister be the customer. You would always talk about how someday, you would get a cat and name it Tigger.

How we would ride bikes downtown to the market to buy cake mix, and stop at the house with the free cucumbers, and the huge mansion along the way. That day we set off some one's car alarm on accident, and got away as quickly as we could because we were sure someone was after us. And you would always sing, all the time, and I was so envious of your voice. I remember all of it, I swear. And I am realizing how much I miss it all, how much I miss you. We were the redheads. We were the two girls, the ones that people always asked if they were sisters. That was us. I remember your family and exactly where you live, your house, your grandparent's home. I have your phone number floating around in the back of my brain; even after so many years, all of those phone conversations we used to have made sure that it would be ingrained forever. I remember it all.

It has been so many years since I have seen you. I tried to get in touch, but I am not sure if you didn't receive my letter, or if you did and simply did not want to reply. I miss you. And I wish that I had the courage to pick up the phone and dial in those numbers floating through my thoughts, your number.

I dreamt about you last night. It was the first time since I have thought about you in a long while; I dreamed that I saw you and your family, that it was just the same as if we had never spent any time apart. And when I woke up I realized that today was your birthday. It's strange, to me, how sometimes it seems like the universe just knows something.

Maybe tomorrow I will try again, I will be brave and send you that letter. Maybe you will write back. But I know myself too well, and that will probably not happen, so I will be a coward and simply write this instead, and cross my fingers that maybe, by some freak twisting of fate, you might see it someday and know it is for you. I am sorry that we don't see each other at all anymore, that I let our friendship slip away and escape. We had something good, something real, and you will always be one of my best childhood friends. I love you for that, I always will, and perhaps when we are old and grown we will meet again and it will be like we are best friends again, like no time has passed at all. And you can tell me everything that has happened in your life since we last spoke.

Happy Birthday, L. I hope it was fantastic.

Love, E.