And it was sad news, I was not magnificent.

 

So this is it. The beginning of the end. Senior year.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm a little excited to be done with high school and on to something new, but I think most of me just wants to grab on to what I have now and hold so tight and never ever let go.
I can't bear the thought of him leaving, going off to some beautiful beach and having the time of his life everyday, without me. I can't even think about it most of the time. But when I do it's like my heart just anticipates breaking.
Everything is so fragile now; I am so fragile. There's so many moments of the day where I feel invisible, or like I am not trying hard enough, so many moments where I feel like what I have in front of me is fleeting, like somehow it could all go away with the snap of a few fingers. And that is terrifying.
Life has been really sort of off, for me lately. I feel a bit lost, like I have lost my place in the scheme of things. Like I have lost people that I care about, so much, and I know I have, truthfully. But it's just so hard to let go sometimes, especially to let go of someone that you thought would be your sidekick for eternity. But I haven't given up entirely, not yet.
It's strange, because just a few months ago, I thought I had it figured out. But now, I just feel so young, so breakable. I feel like a tiny child, like when I was four years old and still scared of so much. It's funny how things can spin so polar on you.
And now my little brother, my baby brother, is in high school with me, and I love that. But also, it makes me sad because he's not so baby anymore. But it's so fun to see him smiling there in those echoing halls, just to see him so grown up and so young at the same time. I couldn't have asked for a better big little brother, to protect me and act like the older sibling most of the time. I have to cherish this year, because it will go so fast.
And I have this amazing fell-out-of-the-sky boy that is perfect, that will do anything to make me smile, make me laugh, that is always there with me even when I act like I can hold myself up. He lights up my eyes.

So there it is. A step into my mind. I can't even really make sense of it, so good luck to you.

Goodnight,
xx
{emma}