That gun is loaded but it's not in my hand.

Hello again.

It's strange, because I always begin excitedly, with a million trivial things to say, and then all of the sudden they have all disappeared, leaving nothing more than an empty void.  Perhaps it is just that I like the muted tap that my fingers make every time they hit a key.  Or perhaps I just enjoy rambling about nothing in particular.  Either way, I am here.

Summer is officially come to stay, and I say that in reference to the heat wave we are stranded in the middle of; it seems as if the sun itself has inconspicuously snuck a little closer to the Earth.  As much as I passionately hate the heat, it is a wonderful excuse to take a nap in the middle of the day; let my eyes drift shut and allow sleep to sweetly take me.  And also, summer fruit seems all the more appropriate when the weather behaves accordingly.  The strawberries are like candy heaven, and the raspberries; I do love these lazy summer afternoons.
I honestly do not have much news, other than that I am going to do a music performance in a few months in a little cafe across town.  I am terrified.  Also elated though, I suppose, because I know it will be good for me; maybe I will get past my stage fright.  Otherwise, I have been doing a fair amount of writing, both musically and otherwise, and I am working on a quilt of all the different fabrics I brought back from India.  I can't wait until I finish it.  And working, of course; to the point where I even have dreams about scooping ice cream for hours on end.

There has been a distance lately, one that I absolutely abhor, and it scares me a lot.  I know that it is mostly my doing, but I feel rather helpless and I can't wait until it dissipates.
On the bright side, however, my love and I recently celebrated two years.  He makes me happier than I could ever dream to be.
Also, I made a berry tart today!  Which is rather insignificant to most I suppose, but for anyone who knows me well it is a triumphant day when I can bake something besides cookies without burning it, or ruining it in some other creative way.

I know this is a somewhat boring entry, but I just felt like writing.  There is something so terribly satisfying about a page filled with words of your own.  So thank you to anyone who reads this, and I promise to be more interesting next time.

Happy Friday,

xx
{emma}

We're the last of the lost pretenders.

Oh my.
It has been so very long since I have even looked at this diary of sorts; I had nearly forgotten about it. So much has happened, I don't know where to begin.
The year is almost over. Only about a month until summer. It's strange, but I don't want it to come at all. I would freeze time like the Arctic if I could, because in a few months I will have to say goodbye to my world. My love.
As much as I try to be strong, as much as I try to paste a smile on my face everyday and act like I am brave, I don't feel brave at all. I write sad songs late at night and make wishes on the diamonds in the sky, all the while praying that everything will be alright. I need everything to be alright.
I need him.
I understand how silly I sound. How helpless and naïve and sad I sound. But I am trying, very hard, to be brave.
It will be okay, I know we will be okay. I just can't wait until I don't have to try so hard to be, until I can put my arms around him every day and see his beautiful stop-my-heart smile for the rest of my life.
I will come back sooner than usual, I promise. I have missed this, this rambling about my everything onto a blank screen. And I will try to be braver. I will.
Happy Saturday.

Love,
{emma}

I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you.

 

My goodness. It has been a very long time since I have sat down to write. I missed the whole month of December, or rather, whilst in the thick of it, I forgot to write it all down.

2012 was absolutely beautiful, granted, with a few pulls at the heart along the way. Christmas was lovely, a whirlwind of family and him, that amazing, incredible boy that has become my oxygen. It rained on Christmas Day, but it was lovely still, sitting cozy by the fireplace and watching the rain fall from the sky softly, like it was taking its time.
He is finally back from up north, and I am so glad. It's funny how I thought I was doing fine without him until that moment I saw him for the first time in a week, and suddenly I realized how not-okay I was, and how much I truly need him. It's terrifying, really, but it's absolutely amazing at the same time.
I got a second job recently, doing paperwork and scanning for an auto shop in town. It has been nice to work elsewhere, as well as in the little ice cream shop. My employers have a cat that is quite possibly one of the sweetest creatures I have ever seen; charcoal coloured with big dark eyes. She sits on my lap when I work, keeps me company.
Otherwise, not much has been happening; working, and prepping for India and Nepal. I am so, so excited; I have been having very colorful dreams about our future travels. I can't wait.

Happy January!

Love,
{emma}

Brown eyes, fire flies.

 

Two days down, three to go. I miss you like crazy.
I can't wait until you get back, so you can automatically make my night with your infectious smile and the way you make me laugh without even trying. I can't wait for you.

Love,
{emma}

Rosey.

 

 

 

 

I have been so inspired lately. Inspired to do what, exactly, I cannot say. But this time of year, the air crisp and leaves splashing vermilion and saffron and ruby-red in front of my eyes; it does something magical. The rain is supposed to come tonight; I think I will try to stay up until it does, because there is nothing more beautiful than the sound of the rain.

My mum bought me an orchid today, a firey bright fuchia, and placed it arching swan-like on my windowsill. It made my day when I waltzed through the doorway of my room and saw it shining in the gentle sunlight. It is holding its own quite nicely among my collection of cactuses and succulents.

Things are looking up, thankfully. I am no longer terrified that this all will end. Not as much, at least. Because when we step out of the car late at night and he holds me in his arms and kisses me in the rain, when we talk about the adventures we will have spending our lives together, when we lie in bed and watch silly movies and giggle about nothing and talk ourselves out to sea, finally coming back to the beginning with cheeks painful from laughter, I have faith. This is something far more powerful than I can explain. And I know it is strong enough to last through any storm.

I am happy.

Love,
{Emma}

It's never rained like it has tonight, before.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't even think about him leaving me behind without bursting into tears. It's my birthday today; it's not supposed to be like this. He is beyond perfection; he is the stars and fireworks and every fragment of happiness I have ever felt combined into one being that has become the reason my heart beats. I can't live without him. Yet he talks as if I may have to soon, and my heart has already started to fracture.

I can't let that happen. I refuse. I have been in love with you for four years, since the moment I laid eyes on you, and I won't ever let you go. Not after I waited so long to finally have you.
We won't find each other, because we will never part. I will follow you to the ends of the earth darling, because you are worth more than any fight I have ever had to wage.

I will not drown just yet, my love.

And it was sad news, I was not magnificent.

 

So this is it. The beginning of the end. Senior year.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm a little excited to be done with high school and on to something new, but I think most of me just wants to grab on to what I have now and hold so tight and never ever let go.
I can't bear the thought of him leaving, going off to some beautiful beach and having the time of his life everyday, without me. I can't even think about it most of the time. But when I do it's like my heart just anticipates breaking.
Everything is so fragile now; I am so fragile. There's so many moments of the day where I feel invisible, or like I am not trying hard enough, so many moments where I feel like what I have in front of me is fleeting, like somehow it could all go away with the snap of a few fingers. And that is terrifying.
Life has been really sort of off, for me lately. I feel a bit lost, like I have lost my place in the scheme of things. Like I have lost people that I care about, so much, and I know I have, truthfully. But it's just so hard to let go sometimes, especially to let go of someone that you thought would be your sidekick for eternity. But I haven't given up entirely, not yet.
It's strange, because just a few months ago, I thought I had it figured out. But now, I just feel so young, so breakable. I feel like a tiny child, like when I was four years old and still scared of so much. It's funny how things can spin so polar on you.
And now my little brother, my baby brother, is in high school with me, and I love that. But also, it makes me sad because he's not so baby anymore. But it's so fun to see him smiling there in those echoing halls, just to see him so grown up and so young at the same time. I couldn't have asked for a better big little brother, to protect me and act like the older sibling most of the time. I have to cherish this year, because it will go so fast.
And I have this amazing fell-out-of-the-sky boy that is perfect, that will do anything to make me smile, make me laugh, that is always there with me even when I act like I can hold myself up. He lights up my eyes.

So there it is. A step into my mind. I can't even really make sense of it, so good luck to you.

Goodnight,
xx
{emma}