Setting fire to our insides for fun.

Hello again.

It's officially fall now; the leaves are turning that deepest vermilion and rich crimson that I so adore, and there is a wind, a chill in the air that hints of winter. The clouds are beautiful this time of year, stretching so big and vast and blanketing so much of the world in softness. It makes me smile, cuddling up in a cozy sweater and thick socks with a cup of tea and a book while the air outside turns crisper. I have been spending more time outside lately, walking. It feels good to be outside in nature and just breathe, really breathe, and take it all deep into my lungs.
I have gotten used to this mess we are in; I have gotten used to missing him. There is not a moment of my life that I do not wish that he was with me, not a second where I am not thinking of him. But I have gotten used to wishing he was back in my arms, and it doesn't hurt as much as it did before. Hearing his voice everyday helps though, definitely. I was looking through old pictures of us recently and it just made me ache. He is flying down for my birthday in a few weeks, and I am counting down the days. My heart beats faster just imagining what it will be like to run to him. It has become a constant daydream of mine.
School has actually been rather enjoyable; I love walking around the campus, especially in this fall weather with all the trees splashing bright and golden. And getting up before the sun rises has not been as terrible as I anticipated; I almost kind of enjoy getting ready with the stars.
I'll try to write more often, and I'll try not to be so melancholy. I have missed this.

Happy autumn,
xx
{emma}

That gun is loaded but it's not in my hand.

Hello again.

It's strange, because I always begin excitedly, with a million trivial things to say, and then all of the sudden they have all disappeared, leaving nothing more than an empty void.  Perhaps it is just that I like the muted tap that my fingers make every time they hit a key.  Or perhaps I just enjoy rambling about nothing in particular.  Either way, I am here.

Summer is officially come to stay, and I say that in reference to the heat wave we are stranded in the middle of; it seems as if the sun itself has inconspicuously snuck a little closer to the Earth.  As much as I passionately hate the heat, it is a wonderful excuse to take a nap in the middle of the day; let my eyes drift shut and allow sleep to sweetly take me.  And also, summer fruit seems all the more appropriate when the weather behaves accordingly.  The strawberries are like candy heaven, and the raspberries; I do love these lazy summer afternoons.
I honestly do not have much news, other than that I am going to do a music performance in a few months in a little cafe across town.  I am terrified.  Also elated though, I suppose, because I know it will be good for me; maybe I will get past my stage fright.  Otherwise, I have been doing a fair amount of writing, both musically and otherwise, and I am working on a quilt of all the different fabrics I brought back from India.  I can't wait until I finish it.  And working, of course; to the point where I even have dreams about scooping ice cream for hours on end.

There has been a distance lately, one that I absolutely abhor, and it scares me a lot.  I know that it is mostly my doing, but I feel rather helpless and I can't wait until it dissipates.
On the bright side, however, my love and I recently celebrated two years.  He makes me happier than I could ever dream to be.
Also, I made a berry tart today!  Which is rather insignificant to most I suppose, but for anyone who knows me well it is a triumphant day when I can bake something besides cookies without burning it, or ruining it in some other creative way.

I know this is a somewhat boring entry, but I just felt like writing.  There is something so terribly satisfying about a page filled with words of your own.  So thank you to anyone who reads this, and I promise to be more interesting next time.

Happy Friday,

xx
{emma}

We're the last of the lost pretenders.

Oh my.
It has been so very long since I have even looked at this diary of sorts; I had nearly forgotten about it. So much has happened, I don't know where to begin.
The year is almost over. Only about a month until summer. It's strange, but I don't want it to come at all. I would freeze time like the Arctic if I could, because in a few months I will have to say goodbye to my world. My love.
As much as I try to be strong, as much as I try to paste a smile on my face everyday and act like I am brave, I don't feel brave at all. I write sad songs late at night and make wishes on the diamonds in the sky, all the while praying that everything will be alright. I need everything to be alright.
I need him.
I understand how silly I sound. How helpless and naïve and sad I sound. But I am trying, very hard, to be brave.
It will be okay, I know we will be okay. I just can't wait until I don't have to try so hard to be, until I can put my arms around him every day and see his beautiful stop-my-heart smile for the rest of my life.
I will come back sooner than usual, I promise. I have missed this, this rambling about my everything onto a blank screen. And I will try to be braver. I will.
Happy Saturday.

Love,
{emma}

I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you.

 

My goodness. It has been a very long time since I have sat down to write. I missed the whole month of December, or rather, whilst in the thick of it, I forgot to write it all down.

2012 was absolutely beautiful, granted, with a few pulls at the heart along the way. Christmas was lovely, a whirlwind of family and him, that amazing, incredible boy that has become my oxygen. It rained on Christmas Day, but it was lovely still, sitting cozy by the fireplace and watching the rain fall from the sky softly, like it was taking its time.
He is finally back from up north, and I am so glad. It's funny how I thought I was doing fine without him until that moment I saw him for the first time in a week, and suddenly I realized how not-okay I was, and how much I truly need him. It's terrifying, really, but it's absolutely amazing at the same time.
I got a second job recently, doing paperwork and scanning for an auto shop in town. It has been nice to work elsewhere, as well as in the little ice cream shop. My employers have a cat that is quite possibly one of the sweetest creatures I have ever seen; charcoal coloured with big dark eyes. She sits on my lap when I work, keeps me company.
Otherwise, not much has been happening; working, and prepping for India and Nepal. I am so, so excited; I have been having very colorful dreams about our future travels. I can't wait.

Happy January!

Love,
{emma}