Alive.

"I will be waiting here. For your silence to break. For your soul to shake. For your love to wake." ~ Rumi

Hi.

I almost feel like it's a new me, writing now. I almost feel like it's pointless to write at all, because of everything that has happened since I've last been here. It's too hard to try to explain. But then again, this never was meant for explaining.

I'm beginning to think that I was destined for heartbreak, like maybe I was born to have my heart shattered. And maybe all of us are, really, because I feel like my eyes are opened wider than they were before. It's strange, I know, but there's something sort of beautiful in admitting that you're lost. It's the first time that I've ever felt completely honest with myself, completely at peace with who I am in all this hurt. I can't lie to myself now; it's too raw. Feeling broken is the most human I've ever felt; it confirms the fact that I am alive, like a nightmare cuts through sleep and your heart beats so hard you think it might escape your chest. I'm slapped in the face with the reminder that I am, in all my flawed, fragile glory, alive. And after it all, at least I have that. I've come to the conclusion that sometimes, it's okay to not be okay. That sometimes, it's the only way to be okay, is to not be okay at all. Maybe that doesn't make sense; lately, my thoughts are only fragments in my skull.

I've been scared before, but not like this, never like this. It's like I'm living on borrowed okay-ness, and I am aware of my fragility. I know how easy it is to fall apart all over again, because it happens frequently.

And I can't stop dreaming about you. I try so hard to dilute my dreams and somehow they still morph to nightmares, or else tenderness that cuts even deeper. It's the worst feeling, waking up and remembering what you fell asleep trying to forget.

But here I am. Alive. Bruised. But I'm okay; at least, I will be. I have lots of good things coming, and while I'm unsteady I have the best souls in the world to lean on.

I hope no one reads this, because I'm not exactly proud of how bleak this sounds. But on the off chance someone's eyes stumble through this mess of words, thank you. Thank you, thank you.

E

Setting fire to our insides for fun.

Hello again.

It's officially fall now; the leaves are turning that deepest vermilion and rich crimson that I so adore, and there is a wind, a chill in the air that hints of winter. The clouds are beautiful this time of year, stretching so big and vast and blanketing so much of the world in softness. It makes me smile, cuddling up in a cozy sweater and thick socks with a cup of tea and a book while the air outside turns crisper. I have been spending more time outside lately, walking. It feels good to be outside in nature and just breathe, really breathe, and take it all deep into my lungs.
I have gotten used to this mess we are in; I have gotten used to missing him. There is not a moment of my life that I do not wish that he was with me, not a second where I am not thinking of him. But I have gotten used to wishing he was back in my arms, and it doesn't hurt as much as it did before. Hearing his voice everyday helps though, definitely. I was looking through old pictures of us recently and it just made me ache. He is flying down for my birthday in a few weeks, and I am counting down the days. My heart beats faster just imagining what it will be like to run to him. It has become a constant daydream of mine.
School has actually been rather enjoyable; I love walking around the campus, especially in this fall weather with all the trees splashing bright and golden. And getting up before the sun rises has not been as terrible as I anticipated; I almost kind of enjoy getting ready with the stars.
I'll try to write more often, and I'll try not to be so melancholy. I have missed this.

Happy autumn,
xx
{emma}

That gun is loaded but it's not in my hand.

Hello again.

It's strange, because I always begin excitedly, with a million trivial things to say, and then all of the sudden they have all disappeared, leaving nothing more than an empty void.  Perhaps it is just that I like the muted tap that my fingers make every time they hit a key.  Or perhaps I just enjoy rambling about nothing in particular.  Either way, I am here.

Summer is officially come to stay, and I say that in reference to the heat wave we are stranded in the middle of; it seems as if the sun itself has inconspicuously snuck a little closer to the Earth.  As much as I passionately hate the heat, it is a wonderful excuse to take a nap in the middle of the day; let my eyes drift shut and allow sleep to sweetly take me.  And also, summer fruit seems all the more appropriate when the weather behaves accordingly.  The strawberries are like candy heaven, and the raspberries; I do love these lazy summer afternoons.
I honestly do not have much news, other than that I am going to do a music performance in a few months in a little cafe across town.  I am terrified.  Also elated though, I suppose, because I know it will be good for me; maybe I will get past my stage fright.  Otherwise, I have been doing a fair amount of writing, both musically and otherwise, and I am working on a quilt of all the different fabrics I brought back from India.  I can't wait until I finish it.  And working, of course; to the point where I even have dreams about scooping ice cream for hours on end.

There has been a distance lately, one that I absolutely abhor, and it scares me a lot.  I know that it is mostly my doing, but I feel rather helpless and I can't wait until it dissipates.
On the bright side, however, my love and I recently celebrated two years.  He makes me happier than I could ever dream to be.
Also, I made a berry tart today!  Which is rather insignificant to most I suppose, but for anyone who knows me well it is a triumphant day when I can bake something besides cookies without burning it, or ruining it in some other creative way.

I know this is a somewhat boring entry, but I just felt like writing.  There is something so terribly satisfying about a page filled with words of your own.  So thank you to anyone who reads this, and I promise to be more interesting next time.

Happy Friday,

xx
{emma}

We're the last of the lost pretenders.

Oh my.
It has been so very long since I have even looked at this diary of sorts; I had nearly forgotten about it. So much has happened, I don't know where to begin.
The year is almost over. Only about a month until summer. It's strange, but I don't want it to come at all. I would freeze time like the Arctic if I could, because in a few months I will have to say goodbye to my world. My love.
As much as I try to be strong, as much as I try to paste a smile on my face everyday and act like I am brave, I don't feel brave at all. I write sad songs late at night and make wishes on the diamonds in the sky, all the while praying that everything will be alright. I need everything to be alright.
I need him.
I understand how silly I sound. How helpless and naïve and sad I sound. But I am trying, very hard, to be brave.
It will be okay, I know we will be okay. I just can't wait until I don't have to try so hard to be, until I can put my arms around him every day and see his beautiful stop-my-heart smile for the rest of my life.
I will come back sooner than usual, I promise. I have missed this, this rambling about my everything onto a blank screen. And I will try to be braver. I will.
Happy Saturday.

Love,
{emma}

I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you.

 

My goodness. It has been a very long time since I have sat down to write. I missed the whole month of December, or rather, whilst in the thick of it, I forgot to write it all down.

2012 was absolutely beautiful, granted, with a few pulls at the heart along the way. Christmas was lovely, a whirlwind of family and him, that amazing, incredible boy that has become my oxygen. It rained on Christmas Day, but it was lovely still, sitting cozy by the fireplace and watching the rain fall from the sky softly, like it was taking its time.
He is finally back from up north, and I am so glad. It's funny how I thought I was doing fine without him until that moment I saw him for the first time in a week, and suddenly I realized how not-okay I was, and how much I truly need him. It's terrifying, really, but it's absolutely amazing at the same time.
I got a second job recently, doing paperwork and scanning for an auto shop in town. It has been nice to work elsewhere, as well as in the little ice cream shop. My employers have a cat that is quite possibly one of the sweetest creatures I have ever seen; charcoal coloured with big dark eyes. She sits on my lap when I work, keeps me company.
Otherwise, not much has been happening; working, and prepping for India and Nepal. I am so, so excited; I have been having very colorful dreams about our future travels. I can't wait.

Happy January!

Love,
{emma}

Brown eyes, fire flies.

 

Two days down, three to go. I miss you like crazy.
I can't wait until you get back, so you can automatically make my night with your infectious smile and the way you make me laugh without even trying. I can't wait for you.

Love,
{emma}

Rosey.

 

 

 

 

I have been so inspired lately. Inspired to do what, exactly, I cannot say. But this time of year, the air crisp and leaves splashing vermilion and saffron and ruby-red in front of my eyes; it does something magical. The rain is supposed to come tonight; I think I will try to stay up until it does, because there is nothing more beautiful than the sound of the rain.

My mum bought me an orchid today, a firey bright fuchia, and placed it arching swan-like on my windowsill. It made my day when I waltzed through the doorway of my room and saw it shining in the gentle sunlight. It is holding its own quite nicely among my collection of cactuses and succulents.

Things are looking up, thankfully. I am no longer terrified that this all will end. Not as much, at least. Because when we step out of the car late at night and he holds me in his arms and kisses me in the rain, when we talk about the adventures we will have spending our lives together, when we lie in bed and watch silly movies and giggle about nothing and talk ourselves out to sea, finally coming back to the beginning with cheeks painful from laughter, I have faith. This is something far more powerful than I can explain. And I know it is strong enough to last through any storm.

I am happy.

Love,
{Emma}