"I will be waiting here. For your silence to break. For your soul to shake. For your love to wake." ~ Rumi
Hi.
I almost feel like it's a new me, writing now. I almost feel like it's pointless to write at all, because of everything that has happened since I've last been here. It's too hard to try to explain. But then again, this never was meant for explaining.
I'm beginning to think that I was destined for heartbreak, like maybe I was born to have my heart shattered. And maybe all of us are, really, because I feel like my eyes are opened wider than they were before. It's strange, I know, but there's something sort of beautiful in admitting that you're lost. It's the first time that I've ever felt completely honest with myself, completely at peace with who I am in all this hurt. I can't lie to myself now; it's too raw. Feeling broken is the most human I've ever felt; it confirms the fact that I am alive, like a nightmare cuts through sleep and your heart beats so hard you think it might escape your chest. I'm slapped in the face with the reminder that I am, in all my flawed, fragile glory, alive. And after it all, at least I have that. I've come to the conclusion that sometimes, it's okay to not be okay. That sometimes, it's the only way to be okay, is to not be okay at all. Maybe that doesn't make sense; lately, my thoughts are only fragments in my skull.
I've been scared before, but not like this, never like this. It's like I'm living on borrowed okay-ness, and I am aware of my fragility. I know how easy it is to fall apart all over again, because it happens frequently.
And I can't stop dreaming about you. I try so hard to dilute my dreams and somehow they still morph to nightmares, or else tenderness that cuts even deeper. It's the worst feeling, waking up and remembering what you fell asleep trying to forget.
But here I am. Alive. Bruised. But I'm okay; at least, I will be. I have lots of good things coming, and while I'm unsteady I have the best souls in the world to lean on.
I hope no one reads this, because I'm not exactly proud of how bleak this sounds. But on the off chance someone's eyes stumble through this mess of words, thank you. Thank you, thank you.
E
