She said she was broken. That she feels so lost, like she is not herself at all anymore. I can see it in your eyes. That way you smile but your pupils don't dance, how your lips curve but your brow is still creased. I can see it. You walk with intensity, like you have somewhere to be, but I think it is also because you are running. Running from a life of silence and dark and solarity and being completely alone inside your own head. We are all here still, you know. Even though you cannot see us. We will catch you if you fall off that tightrope, that railroad track. I swear; cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle straight through my eye. Don't you dare think you are alone.
My legs are restless right now. In fact, my entire body is restless, especially my mind. It is going around in circles all by itself. Tonight was by far one of the best nights of my life. Once again, I am going to have to stitch my lips shut up tight, but; it was different, but somehow more beautiful than I had expected. Somehow.
Yesterday was fabulous. Easter Sunday, and later I found out, my half birthday. I am now officially sixteen and a half. Anyways, despite the fact that my family is not terribly devoted to any particular religion, we did feel the need to do something lovely for the day. We chose adventure over ceremony, naturally. We walked along the sea's shore for a few hours, me snapping hundreds of misted nostalgic pictures of the ocean and the shells and the waves, and the breaking. There was also a pirate ship in the bay, a real live pirate ship. I couldn't help but think of Captain Jack when I waved to the many normal tourists being whisked out into the open sea while they idled safely on deck. Needless to say I got plenty pictures of that; they are actually really amazing, if that doesn't sound vain. Of course it is not my photography but the pirate ship that makes them so great. But still.
I also managed to pick up the biggest piece of sea glass I have ever seen; it is cloudy coloured, the size of my palm. Among the various other shells and pebbles I collected there was also the tiniest sand dollar. My mission was fulfilled when I stumbled upon it. You should have seen my grin. Victory! There was also a rainbow ring around the sun, which was beautiful and strange, and the little boy who shyly allowed me to take a picture of his kite, while hiding away an adorable little smile behind his coat sleeves. He made my day. Then lunch at a fabulous cafe, a run-in with a boy I used to know, a windy, chatty drive through the woods, then home, where I spent the evening watching old silly movies and eating peanut butter and chocolate. Overall, a day well spent.
I go back to school tomorrow. It is supposed to rain into this week, and I am not entirely sure how I feel about it. I do love the rain when I am warm and safe inside, but it does tend to complicate things when walking seems to be the primary mode of transportation I am left with. Either way, it is really beautiful. I suppose either way, there is that. And prom is next week. Suprisingly, I think I am actually kind of excited. Getting all dressed up, wearing my ridiculous high heels that look like shards of a disco ball, and generally just feeling silly in a dress and so much makeup. But I will be with a bunch of people that I love, and that crazy wonderful boy and his purple tuxedo, which I cannot wait to see. It should be a fun night, among the fish and the jade coloured water.
Good Night,
xx
{emma}
